Friday, January 13, 2012

Another Year Goes By....

Many friends who were never able to meet Peyton have asked me to share the events of his life. It’s a difficult thing to remember but I felt that it would be a wonderful way to honor him and hopefully be a blessing to others. This is the story of Peyton Lee Moore.

Peyton was a sweet boy with soft blonde hair and a quiet disposition. He had parents that had no idea what they were doing but in spite of their lack of wisdom he loved them anyway. When I think of his life I try to remember the sweet moments of reading him books, singing and holding him close while we danced around a room. I think of how much he loved trucks and the day we took him to the Discount Tire and he HAD to touch all the tires in the showroom.
He was daddy's boy without a doubt. My sisters could make him laugh and smile like nobodies business. For fun he would shut off the TV while Uncle Chad was watching football and he would never allow Uncle Jason to touch his toys. He had a family that loved him.
January 14, 2000 we had planned to have his first birthday party at Pizza Hut. His birthday was on the 13th but we waited to celebrate it on a Friday. I dropped him off at daycare that morning and he was very upset with me leaving him there. My last memory of him alive is his crying little face and outreached hands. The day care provider shooed me out the door and insisted he would be fine.
Shortly after I arrived to work I received a phone call. The voice on the other end told me that my Peyton wasn’t breathing. I felt like my whole body had been shocked and I was numb with fear. Racing down the halls of the school all I could do was scream. I remember running into a house and seeing a man working on his little body. I was hysterical and begging him to hurry up. I had never felt such terror. The ambulance took him away and I wasn’t allowed to ride along because of my distress. I rode with a volunteer EMT and we followed the ambulance to the emergency room. The team there did all they could while I sat back feeling helpless and alone. And then the final news…I heard the Dr. expressing his condolences and saw the nurses looking at the ground with tears rolling down their faces. The pain I felt was all consuming, paralyzing pain. There would be no birthday party that night.
The days to follow were agonizing. I cried myself to sleep and woke up to tears streaming down my face. We had to make decisions that I never imagined would have to be made. I remember going to the funeral home and being taken to a room lined up with little caskets and sobbing uncontrollably as Shawn hugged me tightly to him. You cannot imagine the brokenness.
The autopsy report that came back stated that Peyton was found by the day care provider lying face down on a couch cushion with a blanket covering his head and body. The cause of death was determined as natural causes. But years later studies are now showing that many infant/child deaths are being misdiagnosed as natural causes or SIDS when in actuality they are suffocations, be it accidental or homicide. When an adult suffocates they will show signs of distress such as popped blood vessels in the eyes or other obvious signs. Doctors are now saying that a child can suffocate and show no signs at all and that the only way to be sure is an investigation of the scene of death. The leading causes of suffocation in infants/young children are soft sleeping surfaces, excessive use of blankets and sleeping position. Peyton had all three.
At the funeral and the months to follow, the outpouring of love and acts of kindness received from family, friends, and even strangers was amazing to me. It’s moments like these that make you realize how much people do love and care and its moments like these that will change you forever. I felt God during this time so strongly. I felt Him telling me its ok, he’s with me and I’m taking care of him now and I believed that with all my heart. I had a dream one night after the funeral that I was looking for Peyton and then I realized he was gone and I was crying. I looked out a window and saw him there in God's arms and he looked so peaceful. That dream gave me so much comfort.
It was in this valley of my life I realized how much I needed the Lord. I realized that without him I was weak and nothing. I understood what He had done in sacrificing his own son and how much he wants us to turn to Him for everything. God loves us so much that he sent his son to die and pay for the sin that we commit. Think about that! What an amazing sacrifice. I stopped trusting in myself and put all my faith in Jesus. I asked Him to take the reigns of my life. Because of that, I am not the same person I used to be. And while my heart aches for my little man, I find immeasurable comfort in knowing that because of my faith I will see him again.
Since Peyton's death God has blessed me and blessed me over again. He has given me a life with so much peace and joy attached to it. I have a husband that adores me and four more beautiful children to love on. I have a family that I wouldn't trade for anything and I have friends that encourage me and a church family that loves me. God is so good to me and faithful in all his promises. I am thankful.


Elizabeth Davis (Feldpausch) said...

Hi Jessica,
Greetings from Andrew & Liz Davis in Milwaukee! I've never read your blog before, but was very blessed to read your story about Peyton. I cannot tell you how much you and your family have impacted me and many others to whom you testify to about God's grace & goodness. It is obvious that you desire for God to be glorified through your family & marriage--and He has at that! I have been able to tell others what God has done through your family, and it is a powerful testimony! We love you all and can't wait to see you again!
To Live Is Christ, your cousin Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

My heart breaks for you at this time every year. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It must be hard to never really have answers to what happened to your sweet boy. But no matter the cause, it is so wonderful that you are able to find comfort that he is with God and the great faith you have developed through such a tragedy. You are truly an inspiration to others. Hugs to you and your family!-
Stephanie Thelen Luark

chodgkiss said...

Just read your post about Peyton. So glad you have found some good out of this horrible situation and you always give God so much praise. I know he is watching down on you guys and he is looking so forward to meeting his other brothers and sisters one day!!....and his "adopted" aunt Carly!!:) Love you lots girl!!

Tammy said...

When this post came up in my feed reader, I opened your blog, fully intending to write a comment, but didn't really know what to say - and my day got busy and my browser froze, closing all the open windows I had.

Anyhow, I guess I still don't really know the right words to say, but I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and prayed for you and am thankful that God has shown Himself to you through the very horrible difficulty of losing your precious son Peyton.

Robin Raymor said...

This is beautiful Jess. I do remember that fateful day, very clearly, and how shocking the news was. It is so hard to imagine that he would be 17 now. I can't help but see the similarity between Peyton and Kodah. So many blessings to you, Shawn and all of your beautiful children.